Why do I feel so alone?

I sometimes need to be alone, and by myself to feel what my own body feels.  It is an odd sensation to be apart from yourself.  Alone in a room full of people seems just as lonely as being alone.  I feel like I know a secret that cannot be shared.  That there is something special about me that allows me to forgive people and understand others pain.  But can’t comfort them.  I think it because i know that everyone’s pain is a lesson learned or a problem to solve.  All I think I can do is listen and share my pain with you, so that you know  you are not alone.  I sent out these feelings to others, to comfort and soothe them.  but I wonder… I am I doing it for them or myself.

I suffer a lot when I am alone in my head, I tend to find a way to think about the hurts I am inflicted on others when they didn’t deserve it or even understand it.  I spend my life trying to be good, a good caring person, and try to take care of others.  I suck at it.. really because I feel so disconnected from others.  All the time.  Like they are there and I am here.  I understand others people pain, cause I feel it all the time in my own body, and being.  I think, I have always felt ripped away from others because of something missing from my heart.  Like I was taken from something that was almost heaven like, and told I could never return to.  So I feel cut off and left out.  Like I know something that is not there for others to know, that I know exists and I can’t share it.

It is like my body is only happy when I am sleeping, it is like a comfort that I can’t describe.  It is where I belong, where my body is relaxed and my mind is empty except for the dreams and thoughts that randomly pass through my mind.  I love that moment, that is just between waking and being a sleep.  I feel the room, people close by.  The energy that I don’t feel when I am awake.

There are times I beg to be touched, like a yearning in my body.  A need to feel another’s warm on my body other than my own.  Closeness, and comfort, of another person who is here in this moment with me.  However, briefly, that is.  It is like holding a baby, keeping it safe and letting this little fragile thing rest against my heart and my the warmth of it body.  However, I know that this feeling of being held is only fleeting and doesn’t last.  It always leaves me a feeling of guilt and distrust.  Why do I crave something, and want something that leaves me feeling this way.  It confuses me and makes me feel crazy.

I find at times I could live better without that need of being held by being alone for hours at time.  Just sitting quietly, and listening to my own breathing, and thoughts of when I don’t feel this way.  Sometimes my thoughts drift to the pain  I have experienced in my life, and others..it is wonderful thoughts, like the way my mother smelled, on a hot afternoon, or my daughter picking flowers in the backyard, and bringing them to mommy. The feeling of watching and enjoying the movements of the people around me.  They are moments that are forever in my mind, and I wonder .. where do these moments go, when I am not here.  Do they linger on for someone else to feel?   I know the answer to this question, it is just outside my thoughts, and mind.  I just have to be alone to listen and hear the answer.  Do I have to be alone to feel it?  Who knows.  Maybe, I am just meant to be alone for now., and I must to learn to live with it.  So I continue to so alone.