I used to keep a journal about the random thoughts in my head that would repeat like loops in my mind. It would and could drive me crazy if it would let it. Things like. I should write that story that have wanted to write, since I was 8 years old. I should draw more, I should look for a job, something I can do from home. That is something I really want, I can do several things. Website Design, Blogging, resumes, and even make graphics. I just don’t know how to market myself. I am not good at selling myself. I have a great desire to help people, but no desire to get paid for it.
These days, I have thought a lot about relationships I have had with men, and people I professed my love to, and still keep close to my heart and love to hear from all the time. When I find myself in love with someone, I usually really love things about that person I wish that I was more like. Examples, things like always happy, love for life, confidence, Intelligence, and a go getter attitude. It never has been about looks, or what they have. It is always about who they are, how many personal beliefs that he lives by and the fact that they know what they are, and accept it fully. Unlike me however, I always think I am willing to change and grow, all the time. I like who I am but I can always improve. It is hard when you are changing habits that have been part of my life for 45 years.
Well, my last relationship was hard to me to realize that it was over, he was always unhappy and complained a lot of my short comings. I listened really hard for the nice things he loved about me and it was so little. I realized that I meant less to him than he did to me. I never tried to waste someone’s time, if I can’t love them with all my heart. Why does he waste mine? So, with the a very heavy heart, I had to let him go. He truly didn’t love me, and I deserve better. I want someone to light up when I call, smile when I am laughing, cry with me, and cheer me up when I am down. To be that one person in the world they can count on. I am looking for someone to love and grow with me. Read the rest of this entry